Several times, I watched you there in front of me. You would laugh so loud when hearing something funny. I would feel my heart skip a beat but at the same time, I never showed it to anyone. You like listening when someone’s talking. I would see that gradual smile forming on your face and I didn’t notice myself smiling because of you. You like listening, respectfully. You would always take other people’s words and ingest it. You like learning. And there, I wonder how will you react if I finally said it. I wonder what might happen if I told you I see you more than just a friend.

Several times, I sat next to you. Silence was pacifying and there were words that I had in me that felt too young and unready to speak out loud. Those moments, I sat there doing nothing. I would give you jokes instead of honesty. I would tease you but will not tell you’re the one I want to see every day. I would talk about other people to you, talk about our friends, and our dreams but never have the nerve to talk about us.

Several times, I was greeted by long enticing silence. Silence that signals my chance to tell you my feelings. Silence that would make me feel that I need to let it out or else, someone would take that place. But those silence never overpowered me. Never. I have always been outdone by fear. I had always been enveloped by my what-ifs. So again, I watched it all go by hoping I could have it again when I am finally stable, ready, and brave.

Several times, I almost said it. Several times, I watched it run back in me and kept it again behind drawers and empty chest. Several times, I lost my chances. I was so terrified to speak it too early it will only confuse you. And within those moments, I watched hundreds of opportunities slipped and after then, our timing never matched.

Several times, I blamed the wrong timings, I blamed fate for not giving you to me. I blamed the moments that slipped. I blamed time for not sticking on my side. But then I realized, it wasn’t the timing after all. It was me and my doubts. It was me and my fears, it was me and my never-ending reluctance and fear of rejections. For so many times, you stood or sat in front of me —waiting for me to say the words. Waiting for me to step up. But I never did. And maybe I’ll forever bring this with me — the ache of losing someone I never really had at all. If only I was a bigger person back, then. If only I told you I love you before someone else does. If only I grabbed the chances.

For so many times, we have the right timing, it’s just me who never believed we could make it.

-         Mica Menez, several times